Invisible

H came to me today to express her feelings of being left out. This isn't new and it includes almost everyone we have ever had contact with not showing her the attention that M and AE receive. I took the opportunity to have a little chat. I told her I can't imagine how scary it must be to think of leaving the lying behind. It has been her cover for as long as anyone can remember. I asked her what she thought people would think of the real H, the one behind the lies. I asked if she thought the real H felt worthy of people liking her. She answered that the real H is nice and kind and funny and smart. She felt people would think the real H was ok. I asked why the need to hide her. She said she didn't think anyone would notice the real H. So I asked which she would rather be, invisible or not liked. No hesitation, she would rather people not like her than to not have attention.

So the lying, it has the possibility to making people think interesting things always happen to her, that she is exciting and fun...or they think she is a drama queen, doesn't matter because either way it is attention. I explained that I feel like I can't talk to her and that we don't always have a good time together because she isn't the real H. I told her I love her and think she is all the things that she said the real H is. I asked if she could try being the real H more for me and I would try harder to not miss those times when her siblings are acting out. I can see how that overtakes my attention and she sees it as me not noticing her when she isn't acting out. I need to pay more attention to the positive and not let the negative take over. I also suggested we give the not real H another name. This way I could remind her to be her real self by just calling the not real H by the name we give her. She liked that but didn't want to name her, she wanted me to. I told her I wanted to come up with something that is the exact opposite of her name. When I say her name aloud, it reminds me of a feather - soft and flowing. I needed a name with a hard and rough sound to it. Not an ugly name or unbecoming, just opposite. So the non real H is now called Clara. I know this won't work instantly or every time. But I have to find a way to bring out my daughter more, the true her. Even if just 5 more min a day than now, I will take it. She said she wants people to know the real her, she just doesn't know how. Maybe that is true and maybe it isn't. It's a start.

Invisible Figure done by artist Jin Young Yu