My Sweeter Chaos

Lessons in Action

2011-03-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

Last night Miss H runs into the kitchen as AE was turning on the microwave. AE is 4. She loves hotdogs. She knows how to turn on the microwave and turn it off. I have taught her to count to 10 for the hotdog and then take it out. I don't care what she sets the timer on and neither does she. But Miss H needed to rush in there, yelling NO!, and take over the microwave situation. This, in turn, has AE screaming and running to her room. All the while I am standing.right.there. I explain that while I appreciate Miss H being concerned, she just needs to voice that with a "hey Mom, can AE use the microwave?" I went over how her actions weren't the best for the situation and in the future what she should do. Complete MELTDOWN with a slam of her bedroom door shouting "You never loved me as much as her!!" It didn't last long and she came out in a few with an apology. I could tell she still wasn't regulated though. There was no point in talking anymore, I said all that needed to be said. The rest of the evening went without incident and she got up this morning in better spirits. I knew she felt she was helping and I wasn't appreciating her help. I verbalized that to her, that I appreciate it but this is how she could help without a commotion next time. It didn't matter....

M was invited by my mom's neighbor to go camping with him, his son, and a couple of their friends this weekend. I told M that he has no privileges at the moment so no, he can't go. I also stupidly added that the adults would be drinking and I didn't feel this was good supervision. M took this and told the neighbor I said he can't go because I think the neighbor is a drunk. You can imagine how this man's feelings were hurt. We explained to the neighbor that the hurt was directed at me. That M wanted to make ME look and feel bad, not him. I told M that he would need to replace the love and kindness that he had taken (Thanks Christine!), but the neighbor only wants M to tell him the truth. He doesn't want M doing anything for him and I can't force the issue. I was initially worried that M wouldn't feel a consequence for his actions but my mom pointed out that the dynamic with her neighbors would be different for awhile which WILL effect M. The neighbor's son is friends with M and is also upset about what was said about his dad. Understandably. So M will have to deal with those hurt relationships and that is as natural a consequence as it gets. He was visibly upset when he learned he had hurt this man's feelings. I truly hope he learns from this...

Reeling It In

2011-03-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

So I came around the corner Sunday morning and saw Miss H standing there with her hand in my purse. I began to giggle and said "Uh Oh! Caught red handed!" She began to tell me how she was getting her money out of there. The money Lolly (my mom) took from her room and put into my purse. When? While I was at work....but little darling, apple of my eye, my purse was WITH me while I was at work. "But I need that money to buy YOU something, mommy." I had to giggle again and say ohhh you are quick this morning. The tears were flowing and her voice was getting louder. I got down on her level and looked in those big blue babies, Honey, you are having some big feelings from being caught doing something you weren't supposed to. Here's a book, lay on your bed and calm down. We can talk about it later. And you know what? SHE DID! No banging her head on the wall, no screaming, no beating on the door, or faking being hurt. She laid there and read and knocked about 15 min later. Got a big hug and an apology. I know she is working hard but I also believe the medication has enabled her to be in a place she CAN work on it.

M has been spending A LOT of time in his room over the last 3 weeks. I was trying a little in and a little out with him yesterday. Baby steps... I had forgotten how much he instigates. The kids were fighting more, he was picking on the girls, parenting them, all things that are normal for him but his absence has made them so obvious to me now. The constant controlling becomes so "normal" to me that I had really not been focused on it. We chatted. Ok, I chatted. The lack of eye contact unless he is doing the talking. The fact that the girls and I work together, do what needs to be done for the most part. He lives in a bubble that is all about him. He won't touch something if it isn't his. Clear the table to him means only clear your things. There is no appreciation for anything and most of the time, he gets mad if someone helps him out. He will ask, does this mean I have to do something nice for them now?? through clenched teeth.... It's little things in comparison to where we have been but such major parts of being a good employee, husband, dad, etc. They are common social skills and he comes across rude and disrespectful. And he doesn't want to hear it....

Orlando

2011-03-09T16:02:00.000-08:00

It was fun! I met some great people! So glad I went!

That's about all I have been able to verbalize since my return from Orlando 2011. Like trying to explain RAD, how do I convey how amazing these ladies are? How bonds were formed in 2 days that continue to bring me to tears? Meeting women that are so different than me from age to location to situation but having an instant connection? Meeting other women that are so like me that it's freaking scary? That feeling of listening to Christine call Diana to tell her how we raised more than double the amount we expected for the Utah retreat? How emotional that was but so not surprising because of all people, those that were in Orlando know how vitally important it is for more women like us to have the experience? How courageous and giving and loving everyone I met are?

It is so close to my heart and I feel the need to protect it. I can't explain it, I just know I am extremely blessed.

Things I See

2011-02-23T12:19:00.000-08:00

Well, things are going....

Miss H is doing really well with the chore system but I am not surprised, she is always overly eager to please. Time will tell after the newness wears off. Great news though! This weekend a meltdown began and after slamming into her room with a "Why do you love everyone but me????" scream, there was silence. And not 5 minutes later she came out, pupils were still ity bity, and said, I'm sorry mom. I didn't mean to act that way. I congratulated her on her ability to pull it together, and so quickly. Drugs are GOOD!

M....well he is not liking his new world. His audacity continues to amaze me. He still tries for those privileges and when I remind him that he gets none, he looks at me like I am speaking Greek. We went to a meeting, held at Fudd Ruckers, and he wanted a shake and then a brownie. I wanted so bad to get one for the girls and not him. I mean he made the choices that got him to this point and I would have easily gotten them all something. But because he couldn't, I felt bad about getting it for them so I didn't. Why should they be punished for his actions? They shouldn't, and I need to stiffen my backbone...

AE is doing well, continuing to amaze me with her growth and intelligence. A couple of things...last month she went in for her check up and they were concerned about her weight and she had borderline high BP and elevated liver enzymes. They referred us to a nutritionist. I was a bigger kid as was her dad, so I never thought much of it. Genetics, what do you do? The nutritionist asked me many questions and ended that AE is getting a great amount of exercise, eating properly, and there isn't anything she really needed to teach me. I felt good about that. They said the high BP/liver issues are due to her size and once that was resolved, so would the BP. She gets overly out of breath at things that didn't used to bother her. I just can't explain the weight gain...she has an appt next week so I hope they will continue testing to find the problem. The other is I am noticing things in her that lead me to believe she may be a Highly Sensitive Child . I have recently found this out about myself, the name at least, I have always been aware of the symptoms. I have also found out that it can be genetic. I hate when you learn about something you begin to "see" it everywhere. I don't want to place this label on her unduly, I just plan to watch her.

Tit For Tat

2011-02-17T13:32:00.000-08:00

No matter the room searches, the morning and afternoon pat-downs, the bag checks, the limitations....M takes my things. For example today, he had hidden my i-pod, a cable to nothing, an empty cake icing tub (he ate the whole thing!). Without following him everywhere and putting a bell around his neck, I can't keep up. Consequences don't deter him. It's time I take his things. His room is basically bare so I am limited in my selections but I think that dragon poster will look nice in my room. That's where I am going to start....

Stick Poking

2011-02-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

I recently heard this term and it's a perfect description! This morning, and not the first time, Miss H made chocolate milk for her little sister without being asked. She KNOWS little one won't drink it cold. So she comes to me to let me know she did this wonderful task and then explained that AE was complaining that it was too cold. "I put it in the microwave for 40 seconds like we always do but she's still complaining." I knew...I just knew from past experience. I went to AE who immediately handed me the cup and asked that I warm it. I took the cup and placed it on Miss H's cheek and she jumped back. Ice cold. I made a comment that if she had warmed it at all, it wouldn't be that cold. There is no other explanation than to drive me nuts. No one asked her to fix it, so why go to all the trouble just to not heat it up and say you did? This is just one example of the constant ways to drive mom mad.

I implemented a form of Accountable Kids chore chart last night. I read some reviews and liked it, mainly because it is in MY face so I can hopefully stay consistent with it. I need something to organize them and their mess. I am in no way a clean freak but the constant half-ass work around the house is killing me. So I went to Hobby Lobby and for $20 bought materials to make my own system.

They have a Start, Finish, Earned Tickets, and Extra area for each kid. On Start, there hangs two cards, one for morning and one for evening. On each, their chores/expectations are listed and are individual to each child's abilities. In the morning when their tasks on the card are complete, they let me know and if done and done correctly, they receive a Ticket. Same goes for evening. Each ticket is 30 minutes. When it's privilege time, they can use their tickets for tv, outside play, etc. If they don't have any tickets, they can spend that time in their rooms reading, drawing, puzzles, etc. There is also a list of things that will get a ticket removed such as arguing, disrespect, having to be asked more than once, etc. This is to make me consistently check their work and to let them see that privileges aren't a given but must be earned. I will tweak as we go along but we started this morning. I said I would not pull any tickets through Friday but instead would be pointing out, "you would loose a ticket for that behavior." This gives them a chance to earn some time for the weekend and not get discouraged right away. They have to choose to "spend" their ticket today or save it for the weekend or another time. Hopefully they can learn to manage their time better. There is also a Best Behavior card and I intend on awarding it to someone everyday. It is worth 30 extra minutes. I explained there may be days that they are all great (bwhaa haa ha) but I will only award it to one person. It won't always seem fair but the fairness will rotate. I am so tired of trying to balance fairness all the time - it's impossible and they need to figure that out. Easier said than done, I realize.

They have already tested me on the first morning but I'm not playing. Something has got to give or it will be me, snapping into insanity. Miss H was trying to negotiate immediately. What if we don't get everything done but then we do something special for you, like sweep your bathroom? There is no negotiating. You have to understand too, that Miss H has cleaning rules. So many people say how lucky I am that she loves to clean. They don't know what this entails.

I can't find anything, things get broken, AND she will clean everything EXCEPT what I have asked her to do. Scrub my kitchen floors? YES! Make her bed? No... I am constantly telling her to not clean any mess she didn't make unless I ask her to. Everyday I ask, where is ____ and she will say oh I moved it over here. No reason, just to stick poke....

Winter Blues

2011-02-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

I find the holidays to effect me as much as it effects my kiddos. Or maybe it's the shorter days and colder weather. In any case, I start therapy this week for myself. I have finally realized that I can't go on just existing. When the tough comes up, I push it back and think I'll deal with it later. I never deal with it and its weight drags me down. This makes for a not-so-great mom. It's not that I get angry but instead just drift along, not really trying to deal with the hard stuff - theirs or mine.

The disrespect is in high gear from them both lately, M working off over $100 he "stole" from me. H keeps taking the batteries out of her door alarm and I've tried everything. It's amazing how successful they are at being sneaky. Their meds we began a couple of months ago have really made a difference though. I put off meds for so long...not wanting to jump on that bandwagon unnecessarily but honestly, it is really helping them. H hasn't raged in weeks or attempted to run away. This is HUGE. M can laugh things off now instead of shutting down. This also is HUGE.

I am looking into something for M, something life changing for us all. I am praying on it and proceeding with the process. Please keep us in your thoughts as this plays out and when/if something definite comes of it, I will share with you.

Need a Circus Tent!

2010-12-10T10:05:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been crazy, pun intended. Whether it be the time of year or everyone's birthday showing up around the same time or whatever, RAD is on a warpath in my home.

H has disappeared at school a couple more times since my last post but the silver lining in that is that when I went to pick her up for her Dr's appointment this week, they radioed the cafeteria to have her come to the office. Over the radio booms the principles voice, "That child needs an escort, she is not allowed anywhere ALONE!" I almost fell off my chair in laughter! Almost... Sad that it had to take this long but now they know Mama wasn't kidding.

She has been a raging queen the past two weekends. I like to think she holds it together all week and then just can't anymore. So much better than thinking she does this on purpose to me....She physically attacked her brother complete with jumping on his back and clawing him. She sends me adorably threatening little notes, verbally threatens me, bangs her head against the wall, got a knife and cut herself, destroys her brother's things, and the list goes on. One day she was so out of control I called her psych Dr and we were very, very close to having her admitted. She was begging to go. Begging! But then a switch flipped....most bizarre thing I've ever seen. Then other days she is sweet and loving and helpful and a kid I don't recognize.

M is dealing with a few things. I know I have stated before that healing is taking place with him. But I must remind myself that this means we go forward and backward. We are going very backward currently. His stealing is out of control. I am literally escorting him around the house. If he is not with me, he is in his alarmed room. I can't trust him in any room not to take things or destroy them. his bathroom is bare and he has to "check out" his supplies when they are needed. I then check the container before it is put away. I check his pockets everyday, numerous times. I have found cookies in his mini blinds, an old laptop battery IN HIS BED (???), party favors from his baby sister's upcoming birthday party, hand warmers unwrapped and used that we give to the homeless each December, and that list goes on and on as well. He is handling well and seems determined to quit. If only it were that easy. I found out that he had been doing a tough guy's homework for the last month. Went to the school yesterday to take care of that and was very pleased with how they handled it. M was shaking and worried about retaliation - I told him I know he doesn't trust adults but I am going to keep proving to him I am on his side. He was so relieved with the outcome, I figure this whole issue has been agitating his behaviors. Time will tell....

Wow...Wow...Wow

2010-11-19T14:20:00.000-08:00

So Miss H steals my old cell phone that doesn't have service and takes it to school today, somehow, since she isn't allowed to carry a backpack anymore. She flashes it around for everyone to see and when asked by the teacher, H says that her brother is in the hospital and she needs the phone in case I need to get a hold of her. I don't have to tell you that none of this is true.

Then later, she is disruptive and mouths off to the teacher, she is sent to the office and I get to sign a nice form about how my daughter acted out. How exactly does this help her?

BTW, I am reading a book:
Attachment Disorders: Treatment Strategies for Traumatized Children by Catherine Swanson Cain
I will review it for you once I finish but so far, VERY informative!

FYI

2010-11-18T06:42:00.001-08:00

Me/PMS + Miss H = Me crying uncle!

And it Continues

2010-11-16T12:56:00.000-08:00

Lots of little stuff continued over the weekend

Just got a call from the school

Miss H stole from a book fair

Talked to yet another administrator at the school who is handling this

I offered suggestions but lady didn't seem like she wanted my help

Miss H will be in ISS tomorrow, which she loves, which makes no connection for her as to a consequence

I'm dealing with too many chefs in the kitchen...

Seriously?????

2010-11-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

Between 7:30 and 9 this morning:

- H tattles that AE is making fun of her butt and boobs (AE responded with a HUH???)
- H gets stuck under the bathroom sink, her entire body
- The doorbell rings and I answer to find H doubled-over, she jumped out her bedroom window but "stopped herself" and didn't run away (if only that were true, this wasn't a bolt it was only attention seeking)
- She moved her bedroom furniture against her door
- The chair in her bedroom attacked her while she was putting things back
- She intentionally put her sisters shoes on the wrong feet

I'm tired and it's not even noon yet....

Not So Happy Veteran's Day

2010-11-12T06:42:00.000-08:00

For the first time since being off active duty, I got Veteran's Day as a holiday. AND the kids had to go to school! My mom and I made plans for the day and were enjoying a nice lunch when the elementary school called....NOOOOO! This is MY holiday! YOU deal with it! But I answered it anyway....

Seems Miss H was feeling a little off-kilter yesterday and when made to move her desk away from other students for disrupting, she'd had enough. She asked to go to the restroom, WAS ALLOWED TO GO ALONE, and instead slipped out a side door, squeezed through a locked gate, and took off for home. A parent just happened to be leaving the school when she saw Miss H be-bopping down the road. She pulls up to her and asks where she is going. Miss H answers "No where..." Then the well intentioned but insane lady tells my daughter to get in the car (????) so she can take her back to school. So Miss H bolts. My neighbor, remember our old babysitter, happened to be outside when she saw Miss H. She calls her over and H goes into a story about how we are going out of town and she was going home so we could leave. My neighbor, knowing this sounded fishy, takes Miss H by the hand and they start walking to my our house. Just strolling and talking, all very calm. Then previous lady comes pulling up as does a second lady saying the school was coming for her. The first lady had called the school after her encounter with H. The principle and the school nurse were driving around looking for her. When H heard this, she bolted again. By the time the principle found her at our house, she was cornered into our back fence and the two over-achieving PTA moms were approaching her on foot. The principle, who I have not had confidence in his common sense formerly, smartly made these women retreat. He slowly approached H telling her he knows she is scared and she isn't in trouble. With some conversation and an act of congress, H got into the truck with the principle and the (female) school nurse to go back to school. She stayed the remainder of the day in the office.

She and I talked last night about a lot of things. I know talking is mostly pointless but if only a little gets through, it's worth it. I had been downplaying the incident and just had said I was proud of her for not getting in the car with a stranger but disappointed that she had placed herself in a dangerous situation and worried everyone. I had her lie down and read for awhile to "relax" after such an excitement filled day. Other than that, nothing. She crawled up next to me last night after trying for hours to help me with chores, trying to give me a million hugs, trying to make it all ok. She said it seemed like I wasn't worried and didn't care. I explained that I can't let her think her behaviors will get her the attention she wants because I DO care and love her so much. If I give her attention for those behaviors, then they will continue and she will still put herself in dangerous situations and continue to self harm. I have to try really, really hard to hide how scared I get to PROTECT her. That I hope she will one day realize she gets so much more attention for just being herself. That I love her because she is my daughter and she doesn't have to DO anything. But those inappropriate behaviors will NOT be getting my attention. I know she'll still try and things aren't magically going to change overnight, but I will keep proving what I say on bad days and giving her loads of attention on her regulated days.

Spelling...ummm..."Issues"

2010-11-10T12:16:00.000-08:00

Miss H always does great on Spelling tests and I have slipped in the last few weeks of not studying with her. Although she is still doing well on the tests, I thought the time spent together to study would be good. Except she intentionally miss-spelled EVERY word. Did you know the word search has an LY on the end? So I had her write them three times each. The next day, same thing... my personal favorite was that the word SHIRT consistently was missing the letter R. She would verbally spell that one proudly S*H*I*T. Studied every day and she wrote those words over and over but couldn't spell them to save her life. Got a 100% on the test though. I think our time was better spent without studying....

Oh and when she chopped off her bangs the other night...she changed her name to Susan. My 3 year old daughter really likes this and now asks to be called Jason. Jason and Susan play as acquaintances and get along so much better!

Miss H

2010-11-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

So she's been telling me the bad things she's been up to lately. Mom, I couldn't control myself when I smoked a cigarette. Mom, I couldn't control myself when I chopped off my hair. Mom I couldn't control myself when I took your make-up to school. Mom I couldn't control myself when I stole your ring. Never takes her very long to fess up and she immediately asks if she is in trouble. I don't give her the attention she is seeking for these actions, just hike up the supervision....

WTH????

Sniff Sniff

2010-11-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

Beware! Major whining ahead!

So I know this already. I've heard it, I've read it, I've said it! Don't take it personally. Don't take it personally! But ya'll!! I'm totally taking it personally! It's my stuff being stolen. It's my stuff being broken. It's me being barked at, screamed at, my authority being questioned! I'm not materialistic but when it's EVERY DAY, it's a lot to bear.

Now, I know there are many marriages out there where the spouse makes matters worse. But I'm not talking about them right now. I need to think that all married people are each other's teammates and supporters in order for my pity party to work for me.

The hardest part of being a single parent to RADlings? At the end of the day, I don't have someone to rejuvenate me, to hug it away, to laugh about it with, to refill my emotional cup. I am drained every single day - emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically. And I am missing that someone to curl up next to. That someone that can be my teammate, that I can hand off to, but mostly that someone that can emotionally give back to me.

Changes with the Season

2010-11-01T08:54:00.000-07:00

Soooo, it's been a little slow in my blogland...sorry about that. Not due to a lack of things to write about though. Just a sense of not knowing what to say: Dear everyone, This Sucks! The end. So I had to quit hanging by my fingertips and once again pull myself back up on that cliff. And here I am.

So let's see.....

First off, my RADlings are now officially medicated. One for anxiety and one for depression. Little Miss Anxiety hasn't shown any changes which doesn't surprise me. I knew there would need to be some tweaking in dosage but the great part is NO side effects! Glad we don't have to try 10 scripts before finding one. Mr Depression, shut down, hold everything in is now Mr pinging off the walls, smart-mouth, more intrusive than ever! BUT, and this is a big but, I can point out the ketchup on his chin or his hair sticking up and he.will.laugh. LAUGH! Not shut down, not pull away for the next hour, he will laugh it off.

Next, I have a job. EMPLOYMENT!!! Actually I am back at my old job, the same desk, same co-workers, just different company. But I am getting a paycheck and benefits again so no complaints.

My mom moved closer to us. She is in the next town over now, about 15 minutes away. My dad is still in Austin when he works his 12 hour shifts. The rest of the time he is with mom. She cares for my little one during the day, picks the other two up at school, has dinner ready when I get there, takes them to dentist appts, and all for the price of our last crappy babysitter....I KNOW!! That is a HUGE stress lifted! I am blessed!!

There have been some major improvements with M just since the beginning of summer. I've seen him taking a couple steps backward in the past couple of weeks but I am taking it in stride and hoping, HOPING, that we are experiencing actual healing. Where there will be fewer RAD moments (weeks) and more non-RAD moments (months). Then I can just have a typical smart-mouthed, testosterone driven, 6 ft tall teen aged boy! ummm, woo...hoo?

H isn't getting better. Not that she can't or won't. It seems to be getting worse but I keep reminding myself that so did M - about her same age. Her behaviors are just so IN YOUR FACE compared to his. So in everyone's face. My 3 year old can tell when H is lying, which is most of the time. The sexual nature of things, the constant lying, the setting off the house alarm, the self harming, the playing dumb all.the.time, the need to shock, the overwhelming neediness. I have seen one major improvement though. In the past, H would bolt when escalating and then the police would be involved and it was horrible. This past weekend, H had a meltdown but she didn't run. Didn't even try to. She sat in the backyard and pulled grass for over an hour. Initiated by her. Maybe she felt herself loosing control and was literally grasping at the earth to hold on. Maybe she found it soothing. Maybe she found it releasing. Whatever it was, she was safe, in our yard, and for that - I am thankful!

We are in full-on basic plan mode (Katharine Leslie). I am still adjusting some things but their rooms are bare, the TV is gone (except for times when I need them to watch it), no talking in the car unless initiated by me (I am LOVING this), chores have been taken away, and rules are set across the board. If they don't want to follow them, it's their choice and they know the consequence. Wow. Who knew how Ahhhhhh this could feel. Don't get me wrong, i still want to pull my hair out most days and they didn't turn into little angels, BUT I am no longer asking myself, what do I do? how do I respond? Should they have consequences? It's all laid out now and we all just follow the path. I consequence if they don't abide the set rules. Consequence is no privileges, no family time. Whew! That has done so much for my sanity!

Cutie Potootie!

2010-09-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

My youngest, completely attached 3 year old, is extremely nurturing. She adores her baby dolls and stuffed animals. Any trip to a store is accompanied with pleas for toys...for her babies. Literally. She will settle for small toys from the baby isles after I say no to a play yard, carseat or stroller, in actual baby sizes. When she moved into a twin bed, she refused to let me get rid of her toddler bed, moving it to the other side of her room for her babies. Any baby room decorations I have taken down must then be hung next to the crib or toddler bed for her babies. Seeing a trend here? With her stuffed animals, they are usually all named after special people in her life and must all have a leash. Anything stuffed in her room has some sort of rope around its neck. She drags those things everywhere. In summation, she has babies that have actual rattlers, pacifiers, blankets, bottles, etc. They sleep in an crib or toddler bed and can't be left home. If they are left home when she goes to visit her grandparents, she will call and ask about them, making sure they don't miss her too much and I am taking good care of them. Her room is full of stuffed animals of every kind, all with nooses. But today...today she took it to even another level:

Apparently, vacuums need leashes too.

Icky and Ugh...

2010-08-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

I found another icky pair of boxers yesterday. I asked M to come take care of them and he instantly became defensive. I let him know I was not mad and even praised him for not hiding them like he usually does. I could tell there was still a lot of shame he was wearing on his shoulder. Something I read made me think to bring up something. I softly said that sometimes when we feel disgusting, that we MUST be disgusting for people to have treated us a certain way, and he interrupted with "Like being dumped 3 times???" and I nodded yes. I continued, sometimes we feel the need to wear our feelings on the outside. Such as smearing poop on walls or not brushing our teeth for days or refusing to use soap in the shower. This is all to show how we feel on the inside. He didn't respond and I didn't expect him to. But now he knows that I get it.

I emailed H's teacher a list of the things she has told me about this week, things that have happened at school. I did this last year and it is for several reasons, to build an alliance with the teacher, to make her aware since H won't show her true self for a while, and to learn if anything was actually true. It isn't in judgement at all. I requested a conference before school started but she was busy in meetings. So I sent her an email explaining some things. She took it to the VPrinciple freaked out. The VP and I have talked at length over the years. She reassured the teacher that although H has concerning behaviors at home, she has yet to do anything major at school. I had stated this also but I am sure the reassurance helped. But not enough.... she went to the principle about it, mainly concerned about H telling me how the teacher handled certain situations. The principle wanted me to know he would be letting H know that things get back to him and he would need to discuss it with her each time. At the time of this call, I hadn't taken H to school yet so was very limited in what I could say. After I dropped her off, I called him back. I explained that this is STILL a disorder and a stern talking to wouldn't do anything but embarrass her. Also, if he still felt the need, I wanted to be there. He said he had already spoken with her and that she seemed fine. I let him know the VP and I poke yesterday about tweaking her 504 and he felt I should also request a conference with the teacher..........I let him in on the fact that I already had and he is going to send the teacher an email letting her know to get with me soon. For the most part and in comparison to other schools I have dealt with, I really have no major complaints but one: I have called, gone in person, emailed, given them CD's I've purchased for teachers and I still get the, Oh H is such a funny little thing. She does crazy stuff when she gets board...I don't think anyone can ever get it if they don't live it.

Idea

2010-08-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

Did you know that a teacher at H's school went into labor in the classroom? And H happened to be walking by said classroom and once she saw the teacher sprawled out on the floor screaming, she knew exactly what to do? And she coached the teacher on breathing while sending another student to go call 911? And did you know all this took place LAST YEAR?

Yeah...I know

So I made this folder:

And told her when she begins to tell me something I know is untrue, I will tell her to go write it down and put it in her Fantasy folder. I will then read them at the end of each day. At first she was excited, until I made her start doing it.

Changes

2010-08-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to clarify some things, more from my own guilt at venting the past couple of posts. H has some recent behaviors that I am trying to understand how to deal with. She isn't the problem, her behaviors are. As a wise friend described, they are like a gaggle of geese pecking me to death. Even in the midst of all this, H is my child that is most compassionate to my needs. When she senses my frustration, some days, SHE is the one to fix me some tea without my asking, SHE is the one to go above and beyond her chores, SHE is the one to draw me pictures, clean my bathroom, write me little notes, and entertain AE so that I can have a break. I know there are probably other issues stemming these behaviors too but I believe part of that is wanting to take care of me.

H hasn't learned how to control her behaviors but I know I can control mine. I need to remind myself where this all began, to gain control of the situation again, not feel like her sweetness is comparable to a husband bringing flowers after abusing his wife. By that I mean that I will physically flinch/recoil sometimes when she tries to hug me. She is continually wanting to rub my feet or back and I should let her, I should welcome that behavior and not pull away. I am the one who can make quick behavior changes in this relationship, and I shall.

I love you H, my chopsticks, to the moon and back!

The Lovely World of Pee

2010-08-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

For many of the blogs I read by amazing moms of RADlings, they (you) appear to have the "bring it on" attitude as in, "Is that all you've got? ROAR!!" Yeah, well I do not currently have that attitude in case anyone was wondering. I am tired. Tired.

Tonight, AE had a pee accident on her way from bed to the bathroom. As I was cleaning this up, Miss H begins to knock, knock on her door. Now earlier, about 10 minutes before bedtime, she was feeling "ill" as usual. Some nights I appease her because if I don't, it turns into a drawn out tantrum. I wasn't feeling it tonight so I told her to take a bowl to her room in case she felt worse. So when she knocked later I had the knee-jerk reaction of my eyes rolling into the back of my head. I can't imagine why... I opened her door to see that beautiful little face looking horribly "ill" with big eyes full of tears. She said she threw up in the bowl. I looked in the bowl, "H, this isn't puke." Confused and innocent look takes over her face, "Well....then what is it?" she asks. "Ummm, why don't you tell me?" She gives the idunno whisper. "This looks like pee." Blank stare...."nnn-nnoooo" she stammers. So I smelled it because that is what we do, sniff pee. "Yep, it's pee." I swear there was a smirk on her face looking back at me. I tell her to go to bed and so now, I am fully awake.

AE no longer can go into any room in our house if no one else is there because she is scared. H is also the same way unless she is doing something fun in that room alone. H tells AE that someone will get her, harm her. H told AE that shadows are evil ghosts...AE clobbers H on a pretty continual basis because H invites her to do so, so that she can get "hurt." Now AE does it without invitation because she thinks it is a game. She hits her, pulls her hair, jumps on her, all things AE gets in trouble for and doesn't understand why. AE only does it to H and no one else. She says it's fun and H is only fake crying. Which is true even though she is actually crying, she isn't actually hurt, usually. Sometimes she probably is because AE is strong. I have no idea how to explain to AE all the things H does and says is for her selfish benefit so I have just finally said no touching at all between the two, ever. Which takes away hugs, ring around the rosy, dancing together, etc. They are pretty upset and AE is completely confused. I already supervise them all but I am going to amp that up so she can't tell AE anything. I can't cook in the kitchen which overlooks the living room where they play anymore, because I can't always hear their conversations.

I am at a loss...

Just a Monday

2010-08-16T19:22:00.000-07:00

Well, found out that the Dr's office that the kiddos had a psych appt for this month no longer accepts medicaid. So had to make the hundred phone calls again and now they have an appt in late October...why is this so hard?

School starts in a week so I am expecting the remainder of this week to be interesting in behaviors...has been pretty average so far though, average for us, that is. I believe M would be farther along in his healing right now if not the constant set backs caused by H. She annoys me so I know how hard it is for him to ignore her and not react. He really has made a conscious effort to leave her behind and try to heal without her progressing. It is a constant struggle for him but I am so proud of his attempts and how far he has come.

What and How and Why??

2010-08-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

It is time for me to re-review my books and cds as different behaviors in H are becoming more prevalent. If anyone happens to know off the top of their heads what this crazy talk is of hers, why she is doing it, what it does for her, etc I would appreciate the reminder. Also, how to handle when she is telling others that aren't aware of our situation crazy stuff? For example(s):
We dog sit for a friend of mine fairly often and this week has been one of those times. My friend is pretty aware but her husband and children really aren't. This morning he came to pick up their dog and H proceeds to tell him that the little 8 pound fuzzball ate a frog. I know this didn't happen because she tried to tell me that as I sat and watched her try to put the frog in the dog's mouth the night before. I did the head shake thing but I could tell he was trying to figure out whether to believe her and if he should be concerned for his pup. I texted my friend after they left to inform her and it wasn't a big deal but this is an example of what H does. This evening I took the kids to the park and H strikes up a conversation with a lady (stranger) I was talking with. Here goes the crazy rolling off her tongue and the lady was in disbelief with what she was hearing. I gently corrected H and swiftly got us away from there. I don't want to embarrass H but I am not sure how to handle these situations any better. Being the crazy family is one thing but looking like it, I don't like so much.

Tired

2010-08-07T17:27:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted! The level at which H is working is amazing. Constant! Con-Stant! The living in her own world and expecting us to live there too. The tantrums, the guilt trips, setting up situations, playing dumb, verbally putting our family into every scenario she hears about and wanting to know how I would react, the BUGS and SPIDERS and anything else she can find to freak out about, the getting "hurt" EVERYtime I ask her to do something, the continual ways she "gets" AE to hurt her, throw her down, and other impossible things. Mostly, the things she exposes AE to. My 3 year old came to me last night and said H told her to come tell me to go to hell. H got to go to bed early and due to the tantrum that ensued, she got more chores. I explained to AE that she knows when something is inappropriate so she needed to beware that she could get into trouble for doing things she knows is wrong. Just starting with that, the teachings will continue, of course.

I used to see glimpses of RAD, then it was 50% and now....now I don't know where H is.

Bless You, Lisa

2010-07-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

I have a friend, an amazing person and mom. She is going through hell currently and for the most part, there is nothing any of us can do to help her. The people that CAN help her and countless other parents, don't get it. I know there are exceptions to that, but for the countless stories I hear and through my own personal experiences, they are few and very far between. Lisa adopted a RAD child for the second time last year. Her first, J, was a very traumatized little girl and Lisa was able to provide her with the support and care she needed to come such a long way. K, like I said, was adopted last year. Going in, Lisa knew K had experienced severe trauma at the hands of her own parents. If anyone could help K, it was/is Lisa. It is bad. Very bad. K has recently been diagnosed with DID on top of her original problems. K has several, like more than 30, personalities in her little mind and many of them are abusive to those around her, mainly to Lisa. After many, many months of abuse, K trying to run away, and her condition getting worse, Lisa made the very difficult (and completely correct) decision that K has to live somewhere that she has full time medical care. You may think this is a simple and obvious decision. It isn't. Parents of special needs children, especially mentally challenged, want to do everything they can to keep their children at home. This is because, in most cases, the system is not capable of helping our kids. They can provide a fairly safe place for the kids to stay but the therapy, the attachment, the one on one, that is provided best at home. In facilities, you are lucky if your child is accepted to stay due to the fact that most places can't deal with the severity of the behaviors. They can provide meds to sedate which does help in giving everyone involved a breather, but this doesn't do anything for healing. Healing happens best at home, in most cases. Problem is, if the behaviors are so severe a facility can't take them, how in the world is a family supposed to handle them?? We, as parents, do the research, talk to other parents, talk to specialists, attend therapy, read the books, watch the videos, attend the seminars...our world is about how to help our children. Especially in children with attachment disorders, attachment can ONLY happen WITH the family, and until attachment takes place, actual healing can't take place. So the decision to place our kids in a facility, even temporarily, is one of the hardest choices we can make. But in cases like K, it is really the only choice. Attachment isn't even a possibility with all the other major issues and behaviors she has going on. So Lisa, with her heart breaking in two, takes K to have her admitted and is told that she, herself, the mom of this little girl, is crazy and horrible. That because she has already been through the process a couple of times and K has blown in a fit of rage, one that is barely controllable by those around her and definitely not by Lisa on her own, Lisa refuses to take her home when the facility/hospital denies her admittance. Lisa not only has her own safety and K's safety to worry about, but also that of J. For SAFETY reasons, she refuses to put them all in that situation again and the Dr? He unleashes on Lisa and threatens to file abandonment charges. This Dr that is SUPPOSED to be trained on these situations and kids. I can only imagine how Lisa must have felt. It took every ounce of her being to make that trip in the first place and had to ONLY because the state K was adopted from, dear ol Texas, denied to pay for her any care or help, and then to be told she was a bad parent on top of it?? It brings me to tears. So many of us love her and offer any support we can but ultimately the ones that can really provide the help she needs, are a**holes. What kind of system, and I have heard it from so many different states, will file abandonment charges on a parent that isn't dumping their kid, they aren't denying them care or love, they are doing what is necessary and they need help. Help from the system that is supposed to be set up to provide exactly that!! I know at least five families at this very moment that have been charged with abandonment for the mere fact that they won't bring their children back into their homes due to SAFETY. The ill child's safety, other children living in the home, the parent's safety, and the state(s) won't do a damn thing to help other than judge these parents whose hands are tied behind their backs. How is that helping anyone? The money the parents don't have to help their kids and that the state doesn't want to spend?? They spend it on punishing the parents instead of helping the kids. Something, some THINGS, need to change! Now! I don't know where to begin and I personally know people who are tackling this very thing with government officials. Unfortunately, unless you live this, there is no real way to understand it. It isn't a priority and honestly, most of us parents are looked at as crazy ourselves. We witness so many behaviors from our children in the privacy of our home that no one else will ever see in our children. The schools, Drs, friends, family, all think WE are the problem. Those little angels could never be capable of what we say. And that's ok, we understand that from everyone, everyone EXCEPT those supposedly trained to know this and are to help us. But in many cases, they don't get it either. Where do we start? What will make the difference that nothing else has thus far? The parents are in the media all the time, shown to be horrible parents that leave their kids out in the cold. I know there are some situations where that exact thing is actually happening. But in so many cases, it isn't. There are parents that love their kids more than anything, that want them home if they could have them there safely, that visit their kids constantly and call them and write them and miss the hell out of them. The kids just need help that the family can't provide and the family is punished on top of the punishments of fear, abuse, sleeplessness, heartbreak, judgement, isolation, trying to protect their other children and themselves, going rounds with the schools, and not being able to do enough for their child. It isn't fair. It isn't right. Change MUST happen.

Mother and Child (detail from The Three Ages of Woman), c.1905 Art by Gustav Klimt

Where Did My Sweet Little Girl Go???

2010-07-23T00:54:00.000-07:00

H's new thing is locking doors! Awww!! Ohhhh!!! Isn't that cute?? The first time was to set up a situation where she could save the day. Locked us all out with a plan on how to get back in. When that backfired (cause I keep the windows locked...) she wasn't so happy and I got to beat the doorknob with a hammer until it fell off. Luckily I have spare doorknobs...

Yesterday, she blew a gasket because she had to do the same chore she always has to do. Ok, that isn't why but that is what she reacted to. She locked her brother and I out. Then gave me all kinds of 'tude through the door as I told her the chore list was adding up. "I don't care", "Fine!", etc. She even stuck her tongue out at me. Then the door was " stuck" and couldn't be unlocked. Then I was going to "beat" her if she opened it, (I don't touch my kids negatively), then it was unlocked but just couldn't open. I just sat there smiling. M commented that it was going to be a loooong day. I told H it was ok, I had plenty to keep me busy outside. M said, but I don't want to stay outside all day. I laughed and said, that's ok because she doesn't want to be in there alone, either. And not a minute later she remembered she is scared to be in the house alone and the door magically opened. I didn't go in right away but when I did, she continued to kiss my booty for the next hour never complaining about her extended chore list. She tried the attitude again today but I caught it quickly, made her laugh about being so silly, and the escalation never occurred.

And yeah, I keep a key on me now.

Tiffany Key Necklaces

Holy Eskimo Hats!

2010-07-13T00:14:00.000-07:00

M: All these cables look the same!

Me: I know honey, but I need the one that is plugged in the wall

M: Look! This one and this one and that one too - ALL.THE.SAME.

Me: Hun, the cable that is plugged into the wall, grab that one

M: (interrupting me loudly) I KNOW! I GOT IT!!

Me: ........

He walks away and stops, turns, and comes back over to me.

M: Mom, I am sorry I raised my voice and was rude to you.

Me: fainted

Silver Lining

2010-07-12T00:05:00.000-07:00

Told H she needed to get her clean clothes off my bed and hang/put them away. She said she did. When I went in there her clothes were staring at me plain as day. I showed her and she lost it. Usually she builds up but not this time. I told her she would have to do my laundry to to pay me back for lying/being disrespectful. She screamed and ran to her room, slammed her door, and many of her items on her newly decorated wall came flying down. I let her know she couldn't do anything until it was done and she tried bargaining, attempted to make me feel guilty, then finally broke down and did it. Afterward it wasn't long till bedtime of which she threw a fit cause shouldn't she be able to stay up longer since she had to do that laundry??? Again with the drama.

I am happy. Know why? Cause she is still here and never attempted to run away!!! :)

Need Input

2010-07-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

Well, H is not going to visit my sister as planned. She has just been too....too.....too RAD!

M is still taking control of every conversation, whether he is supposed to be included or not. I really am not sure how to handle his behaviors. Any input would be appreciated!

-Answering for anyone who is asked a question
-Still parenting his siblings
-Very rude to me when not getting his way (talking over me, questioning my parenting ability, etc)
-Lying
-Refusing to confess about stealing at my sister's house
-Need a restitution idea he can do for my sister (we are 6 hours away from her)
-Still finding bottles of pee in his room (refuses to open alarmed door to go to restroom)

This list is getting long...I use sentence writing, extra chores, etc. I guess main question is do I consequence EVERY time he does one of these because it will be every 5 min. I know the answer is yes, I just don't see the good in his escalation. Ahhh! This sucks!

Your Opinion

2010-07-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we completely made over H's room:

Today she is off the charts dysregulated...connected??

Invisible

2010-07-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

H came to me today to express her feelings of being left out. This isn't new and it includes almost everyone we have ever had contact with not showing her the attention that M and AE receive. I took the opportunity to have a little chat. I told her I can't imagine how scary it must be to think of leaving the lying behind. It has been her cover for as long as anyone can remember. I asked her what she thought people would think of the real H, the one behind the lies. I asked if she thought the real H felt worthy of people liking her. She answered that the real H is nice and kind and funny and smart. She felt people would think the real H was ok. I asked why the need to hide her. She said she didn't think anyone would notice the real H. So I asked which she would rather be, invisible or not liked. No hesitation, she would rather people not like her than to not have attention.

So the lying, it has the possibility to making people think interesting things always happen to her, that she is exciting and fun...or they think she is a drama queen, doesn't matter because either way it is attention. I explained that I feel like I can't talk to her and that we don't always have a good time together because she isn't the real H. I told her I love her and think she is all the things that she said the real H is. I asked if she could try being the real H more for me and I would try harder to not miss those times when her siblings are acting out. I can see how that overtakes my attention and she sees it as me not noticing her when she isn't acting out. I need to pay more attention to the positive and not let the negative take over. I also suggested we give the not real H another name. This way I could remind her to be her real self by just calling the not real H by the name we give her. She liked that but didn't want to name her, she wanted me to. I told her I wanted to come up with something that is the exact opposite of her name. When I say her name aloud, it reminds me of a feather - soft and flowing. I needed a name with a hard and rough sound to it. Not an ugly name or unbecoming, just opposite. So the non real H is now called Clara. I know this won't work instantly or every time. But I have to find a way to bring out my daughter more, the true her. Even if just 5 more min a day than now, I will take it. She said she wants people to know the real her, she just doesn't know how. Maybe that is true and maybe it isn't. It's a start.

Invisible Figure done by artist Jin Young Yu

And Now I Must Pay...

2010-07-05T21:35:00.000-07:00

M came home from visiting my sister and her family on Sunday. He had been gone for 3 weeks and had a wonderful time. I gave my sister the main rules but didn't give her a list of them. I covered safety...the others I would deal with. I am dealing with them now. She told him to quit asking for something to eat, he could make himself at home as long as no sweets. We have a locked pantry in our home.... He was excited. I will say that my sister called about a week in and told me he requested celery and carrots from her trip to the store because "mom likes me to eat veggies every day." I was so proud of him! He missed me too - had a choice to stay longer and decided to come home. This could be due to many reasons but I like the missed me choice. Checked his suitcase when he got back, fingers crossed, breath held, and there it was. A stolen DVD, an R rated movie, at that. Also some other items worth no monetary value and obvious that he took them just to take them apart as he loves to do with most anything. Also, packed him 6 boxers, only 3 came home and she said he only gave her one pair to wash in the entire 3 weeks. This isn't surprising to me, this is pretty normal and something I have to keep up with at home. I asked him where he had stashed them so she could take care of them quickly. Sometimes, only sometimes, can I ask him things like that with a cut-the-bull and matter of fact tone and he will be honest. Not this time, he doesn't know what happened to them and that DVD?? He didn't even KNOW they had DVDs. The amount of trash in his suitcase was huge! My sister was watching me go through it and she said, "he had a trashcan in his room!" I only laughed, as though he would have thought to actually throw stuff in a trash can! She is so silly! All his socks were dirty, as in worn several times and never washed. They could have walked from Lubbock to San Antonio on their own. 4 of his shorts were never worn and still neatly folded. He sticks with what he likes best and all I had asked was that he not wear the same thing everyday. He changed up between 2 shorts and 3 shirts. I was impressed!

He keeps telling me how he wants to be normal and I was actually thinking of giving a little slack in some areas to test the waters but this has proven he is still not ready. Not ready to visit friend's homes or go places with them. I am so sad. I really wanted this for him too. I have seen so much improvement in the last couple of months. No matter how many times I hear it, I still forget how quickly things can take two steps back.

Anyway, he never missed a beat coming home. He is on H's butt like a fly on poo. I pointed out that everyone was still alive when he got back so he could see I have this parent thing under control - don't need his help, thankyouverymuch! He is pushing limits - testing how glad I am to have him home and maybe I will be easier on him since I missed him or something. The attiTUDE is something I didn't miss nor the way he LOVES to aggravate the baby - I love hearing her scream and his directly after..."what?????" I had gone through his room while he was gone but didn't clean up anything, not even that bottle-o-pee on the bookcase cause it was sealed with a lid. Nor the sheets under the bed...I won't even go there. I did very sweetly ask him to take care of everything, asking one item at a time as he took care of the last. He was at first shocked that those things were even in his room, then irritated as the list kept going, then pissed that I was still smiling. Nothing gets that boy more than to not get mad at him, it is the oddest thing!

There was an accident with the three of them today. M pulling a wagon with the girls in it and it tipped over sending AE face first to the concrete. It looks pretty bad and she will definitely have a black eye tomorrow. Months ago, M would have just froze. Stood there, shut down, and not have reacted as the girls lie there crying. Today. Today he scooped up AE and ran her to me as I was running to meet them. It was an instant reaction. We all came in and after I tended to AE, I found M curled up crying. I asked his feelings and they were of guilt. I watched the whole thing and it was a complete accident. I told him he had done nothing wrong and he answered that he still felt bad that AE had gotten hurt and he would have to live with that forever. Empathy! Guilt! As bad as I felt that he was feeling bad, I wanted to jump for joy! I wanted to take those two emotions out to dinner and a movie and welcome them to my son's world! Plead with them to stick around!

So anyway, happy with the improvements, not surprised with his issues on being back, and somewhat relieved that I am not in such a gray area of his progress anymore. I have my answers, I just wish it could have been better.

Welcome

2010-06-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I needed a change and I didn't want to have to learn anything right now. So Blogger allows me what I want to do with some simple clicks. I like simple! As you may notice on the bottom right, my follower list looks sad - please help make it look less pathetic - Thanks!